Being an ally isn’t easy, but becoming a male ally can have such a profound impact on both you and your organisation. Although there isn’t one way to be an ally, and it’s inevitable that you’ll make some mistakes along the way, we’ve got 10 top tips to help you in your journey from the start.

1. Understand you’re going to make mistakes.

Allyship is a journey and you’re going to get something wrong even if you have the best intentions. Acknowledging and accepting that right off the bat is crucial to grounding yourself and ensuring you don’t get frustrated or disillusioned when it happens.

Accepting from the start that you’ve got a lot to learn, and will inevitably make a mistake or two, will help you stay the course. But please don’t get us wrong: knowing you’re bound to make a mistake along the way doesn’t mean you can act without care or consideration or deliberately antagonise people. It’s something to keep in mind, not a get out of jail free card.

2. Be open to feedback.

Receiving negative feedback can be grim, especially when you’re trying to do something positive and it’s gone the wrong way. But if you know you’re going to be making mistakes because you’re stepping into unknown territory, you can start working on listening to and accepting feedback.

The key things for this are: listen, believe, apologise, remember for next time so you don’t do it again. Make sure you don’t get defensive – even if it isn’t what you meant, impact is more important than intent. It’s harder to accept feedback than it is to get defensive, but remember, you’re not here because it’s easy – you’re here to make change happen.

Another thing to consider: don’t over-apologise to the point where you’re having to be consoled for your mistake. Sincerely apologising and affirming that you’ll change your behaviour and/or actions for next time is enough. Take it as an opportunity for growth and move on.

3. Do the inner work.

Working on yourself is the most important foundation for becoming a good male ally. You’ve been brought up in a patriarchal system, we’re all biased, and we’re all sexist. (Even women!)

This means you’ll have thoughts, behaviours, and ways of working to unlearn. Understandably, that will take time. But it’s something every man on this journey goes through and you get out of this what you put in. Work on keeping an open mind, being curious about women’s life experiences, and being open and empathetic. These are skills that can be honed.

If you find you’re worrying about things you’ve said or done in the past, or you’re consumed by guilt because you benefit as a man in a patriarchal system, aim yourself back towards productivity. Getting so bogged down in guilt and worry that you stop being able to take positive actions going forward isn’t going to help anyone, much less the women you’re trying to partner with to make change happen.

You’re in a powerful position to make things better – the change starts with you. Direct your energy inwards to start with.

4. Seek information out.

Be mindful that it’s not the job of your female colleagues to educate you about sexism. Bloggers, journalists, speakers etc. have been talking about this for a long time. The information is there: seek it out.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t listen to your colleagues if they tell you something has happened or want to talk to you – that’s extremely important – but they’re not there to answer your question whenever you want them to. It might seem like a harmless question to you but could cause them to recount painful or traumatic experiences, or things they didn’t want to talk to a work colleague about. Be aware of that.

Whatever element of gender equity you want to learn about, and however you prefer to take in your information (books, podcasts, videos), you can find it online. Take responsibility for doing so.

5. Audit your consumption.

How many female authors do you read? Do you consume content created by women; from the games to film to the influencers you follow?

In the world of the default male, women and girls are used to consuming and engaging with things created by men. Men don’t. They claim they don’t have anything to relate to – but you all know and care about women, you share the planet with them, there’s definitely crossover! And think about the perspectives and insights you could gain.

Intentionally following and consuming art and media created by women will broaden your understanding of women’s lives. Make sure to follow a range of women as well – black women, disabled women, LGBTQ+ women, mothers, child-free women, gamers, educators – you name it. Women are not a homogenous group, just like men aren’t.

6. Listen more than you speak.

You’ve heard that we have two ears and one mouth, right? When women are choosing to talk, make sure you listen.

Even if what you’re hearing is unrelatable (which it might well be, it’s not your lived experience), squash the knee jerk reaction to ask if they’re “sure it was meant like that” or they’re “making something out of nothing”.

Just listen. Ask questions and be open to the answers. Ak clarifying questions if you need to. Consciously try to open your mind and you might be surprised what you end up learning about.

7. Learn how to call someone in and out.

Male allies are active in calling attention to things that harm women. Whether it’s behaviour or processes in the workplace, whether you’re calling someone in or calling them out, you must step up.

If a colleague says something inappropriate but you have a good relationship with them, you may want to call them in. This means taking them to one side, bringing up what they said, and asking them what they mean when they said it. You could highlight how it’s harmful to women and ask whether they realised that when they said it. Calling someone in is a gentle, caring way and allows space for conversation and understanding because you’re doing it in private, with care and consideration.

It may be necessary, however, to call someone out. Maybe it’s not someone you would feel comfortable calling in, or it’s a repeat offender who needs to be shown in front of a group that the group doesn’t accept their actions. It could be that they’ve caused harm, so it needs to be addressed in that moment rather than later in private, which also shows the victim that you don’t stand for this behaviour and you’re there for them.

It’s up to you to learn how to do these things in a way that’s most likely for the receiver to hear what you’re saying and be open to changing – because ultimately you want to be helping people be better, not just shaming them to show that you’re one of the ‘good guys’ while they’re one of the ‘bad guys’.

8. Take responsibility.

You may not have created this patriarchal society, but you benefit from it. As a man in this position, and certainly as men who oppose sexism and misogyny, you have a responsibility to do something about it.

Men hold the top spots at most workplaces across almost every industry. As the people who wield the decision-making power, it’s your responsibility to enact the systemic change needed to make workplaces fairer.

It’s quite literally within your remit so you need to commit to doing it.

9. Understand the systems need fixing, not women.

Society and workplaces are systemically sexist. The issues here are not with women or individuals, so we need collective, systemic solutions.

This can be looking at your workplaces hiring and promotion practices, or flexible working and family leave policies. The barriers and biases that women experience at work feed into the gender pay gap and pension gap, but you need to understand them before you can address them.

It can help to look up research from women in your industry as well as inviting the women in your workplace to provide feedback (anonymously or not) to ensure your actions will address relevant challenges.

10. Always with, never for.

Which brings us to our last point. Male allies partner with and work with women, not for them.

You aren’t needed to swoop in and ‘save the day’. You’re needed to stand alongside women, to amplify their voices and their needs, and to back them with your institutional power. Please don’t confuse allyship with heroics or grand gestures.

Every move you make should be informed by what women in your workplace and industry say they want and need, not by your own assumptions of judgements. And you should be standing shoulder to shoulder with your female colleagues, not charging ahead.

Even better, push them ahead of you wherever wanted and appropriate.