As a barrister advocating for others, and a coach supporting clients in finding their own solutions, I am really passionate about the power of effective communication to bring about change, ease difficult situations and improve relationships in a business or a team.

Below, I am sharing some tips from the courtroom and the coaching world to enable you to better adapt your communication style and deploy a coaching style where appropriate.

1. Remember that silence also has a consequence

Have you ever stayed silent because you “feared confrontation”.

It is a common thread with my clients.

Mostly, they are braver than they think they are (which is a useful thing to consider or remember) but what they mostly need to do is analyse the risk assessment which caused them to think that staying silent was the right thing to do.

All too often they focus in on all the things that could possibly go wrong if they had the conversation, forgetting entirely all the terrible (or brilliant) things that could happen if they do not have the conversation.

Keeping quiet is an action and it has a consequence.  If nothing else, it keeps you stuck where you are.  It also sends a message to others that you are happy for them to continue treating you in this way, demanding too much of you, disrespecting your boundaries, or paying you too little for your services.

The flipside for some clients is that they just blurt out what occurs to them immediately it occurs to them and, as the tips below show, I would advocate a more planned and considered approach.  Put yourself in the best possible position before you have a conversation you might see as being difficult.  But do have it.

2. Good communication doesn’t happen by accident

I will let you into a secret.  Most of the brilliant communicators you can think of – all of those people who make it look effortless – are almost certainly doing more preparation than you can imagine.  And many of the ones who look confident have been battling with their nerves or even with imposter syndrome.

For conversations that you know you need to have, preparation is key.

As a barrister, I was taught to “write my closing speech first” and for you that means going into challenging conversations with a clear purpose, having given careful thought to what you want to achieve.

You should also consider how best to achieve what it is you want even down to the evidence you can use to support your proposition and where, when and how to have the conversation.

If that sounds manipulative, think of it as being strategic.

3. Develop a habit of asking open questions

Especially if you want to get something closer to the whole story.

In court, when cross-examining the other side’s witnesses, we tend to use closed leading questions – “You didn’t see that did you?” for example but, with our own witnesses, we are generally only allowed to ask non-leading questions, the theory being that this allows the witness to give their evidence in their own words.

Many people go with the closed questions approach with their team or their clients as they perceive it to bring speed and efficiency when, actually, what it often does is tell the other person you are not interested in what they have to say.

A good mnemonic for reminding yourself to ask open questions is TEDS – Tell me, Explain to me, Describe, Show me.

4. Work on your listening

Once you have asked an open question, the key is to make sure you listen to the answer.  And I mean really listen.  Don’t just keep quiet until it is your turn.

One of the skills it is hardest for young advocates to master is listening.  There is a real temptation to work through your list of questions for any one witness. But the best advocates are reactive.  They listen to the answer and adapt their next question accordingly.

Hopefully, in most of your conversations you won’t feel the pressure of the advocate in the courtroom but by listening to understand, instead of listening to respond you will greatly improve your understanding of the people you are dealing with and your relationships will become deeper.

5. Don’t interrupt (or Embrace the Pause)

This very much links to the Work on your Listening tip.

I often challenge the people I work with to start counting how often they interrupt somebody else over a day or a week.  The results can be pretty shocking.  And, as with so many other things, the process of change starts with that sort of self-awareness.

So if you come to realise that this is a trait for you, it might be useful to remember that people do not expect an instant response.  There is rarely an issue with a conversation including pauses – time for reflection or to compose a response.

Also, I have found that very few of the people I work with have the ability to mind-read.  Every time you think you know what someone is about to say and speak over them to say it more efficiently, you are potentially missing out on something brilliant (and unguessable) that they were about to say.

6. Use silence tactically

I think we could probably agree that everyone has their own, unique communication style.

Some team members will be happy to share their views unprompted, whilst others will say the bare minimum if pushed.  And there are a multitude of variants in between.

What many a police interviewer has discovered is that if you leave enough silence people will be tempted to fill it.

I wouldn’t recommend creating a police station environment within your business, but if you create an environment where there is some thinking space, and some silence, and where people know that someone is ready to listen, you are likely to see some people opening up and sharing what is on their mind.

It can be particularly effective to leave some silence when it looks like the other person has finished speaking.  Sometimes that is when they say what they really think.

7. Can you ask instead of tell?

One of the hallmarks of a great leader is being able to adapt their style to the situation and the individual. This can mean being ready to dish out solutions especially when a team member comes to you with an urgent problem.

However, in a non-urgent situation, it is likely to be more productive in the longer term to adopt a more coaching style of communication which, at its simplest, means turning the tables a little and leading with a question rather than an answer – “What do you think the answer is?” or “What are your possible options here?” and then perhaps further questions on the pros and cons of various courses of action.

In fact, a fundamental part of coaching, is to ask rather than to tell so as to allow the person being coached to access their own solutions rather than having a solution imposed upon them.

As with some of the other tips above, this might unveil some innovative ideas and, if nothing else, it is likely to encourage the other person to develop the habit of thinking for themselves.

8. Make sure feedback is constructive, rather than being a rant

Providing feedback is a very specific type of communication, but as with others, it is best delivered after preparation.

The key is to get away from “you” statements (“You are always late”) and find a better model.

In workshops, I often use a model from “Non-Violent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg which focuses on providing a corrective suggestion that fills a need for you or your organisation.

In this way, you are providing the recipient of the feedback with a clear way forward rather than looking backwards at the behaviour you didn’t like.

And you can reverse-engineer this tactic – if somebody (client or boss, perhaps) comes at you with a rant, once they pause for breath you can ask them to tell you what it is they want you to do differently, or how they want you to move forward.

You can also use this thought process to help you get better answers when you ask for feedback.

If you just ask very generally – “Could you give me some feedback on that?” or “how do you think I did?” you risk attracting either platitudes or an un-focused stream of consciousness.  Why not instead ask – “Could you suggest a couple of ways in which I could improve?”

9. Know when to stop

Unfortunately, I cannot guarantee you that every person you have a conversation with, or every potential client you try to convince will be persuaded by your arguments.

That old adage about arguing with idiots being like playing chess with a pigeon springs to mind.

One of the things you will never be able to control fully in your communication is the response of the other party.  They might be irrational, aggressive or inexplicably inclined to give their business to someone else.

So knowing that you can stop and judging when to stop is a sign of common sense, rather than a sign of weakness.  And you absolutely must be prepared to stop if the conversation reaches a point which breaches your boundaries or, in which you sense any threat to your safety.

If you can stop and still leave the door open for a civilized conversation in the future, so much the better but this may also be outside your control.

10. Always communicate with integrity

Contrary to popular opinion, as barristers we cannot mislead, nor can we seek to coach witnesses or alter evidence.

We are also very aware that our reputation goes before us.  If we get a reputation for being “sharp” or anything less than honest, our future dealings with judges, opponents and clients will be more difficult than is necessary.

So, we always communicate honestly (or at least we should).  Can you say the same?

I would like to believe that most people at least aim for this but one thing that can get in the way is feeling under pressure to respond immediately.  This can mean guessing or speculating and perhaps coming up with something less than an honest answer.

Far better, surely, to say “I don’t know” or, better still, “I don’t know but I will find out and get back to you tomorrow”.  This might feel like a weakness but actually helps you maintain trust with that individual and shows a thoughtful approach.  Nobody really wants to be known for their later-proved-to-be-wrong knee-jerk reaction.

Of course, if you can find the honesty to say “I don’t know but I will find out and get back to you tomorrow” then you will only keep their trust if your actions live up to your words.